2025 Wrapped

Corporate Life

Career Asymptotes

I’ve thought a lot about this article by Philip Su talking about Career Asymptotes. Most people’s careers are represented by punctuated equilibria: periods of sudden jumps with long plateaus of motionlessness in between them. I have just exited a plateau and am in the middle of another jump.

Quoting Philip:

It’s important to recognize that by the time you retire, there will have been some level which was the highest you ever reached in your career. Pertinent questions include:

• What do you realistically think that level is?
• At what age would you like to reach that terminal level, accepting that in all subsequent years, you’ll remain at that level without promotions ever again? (Or even drop below that level, as I have?)

— Philip Su, Career Asymptotes

I’ve always considered my corporate life to be temporary: I’d work until I had enough money, then I’d figure out something better to do with my life. But given the lifestyle I want, the biggest dreams I’ve got, and the obligations to my family… I’m not sure if that assumption still holds true.

If I am staying in big tech longer: how far can I get? I am not fond of the stress and corporate gamesmanship and I have no real love for the mission of my company (capitalism!). I do enjoy working with smart people and I still enjoy data analysis and I’ve developed a new love of bringing new ideas to life by working with others.

The last few years at Meta have been survival focused. It feels like there’s a re-org every 2 months. Meanwhile, I have found that pouring more of myself into the work has yielded better results. I’m getting better and gaining more recognition for my work. But what is the ending that I’m after? Is there any promotion out there where I’ll feel gratified instead of relieved?

Having end goals — especially money — feels insatiable. There’s always more to want and there’s never such a thing as enough. Is there a possible/realistic best version of myself in tech? There are many things I don’t want to trade off to reach career goals: relationships, time, and my sense of self. But will I be forced to trade some of these? Have I made these trades already? What even was the exchange rate?

I wonder if I’ve already reached my career asymptote today.

Pace, Speed, and Patience

I started my career in corporate America tripling my salary in an 18 month span. I got promoted twice then switched jobs. A lot of my early career was focused on trying to break into tech rather than actually getting better at working. So I worked pretty hard, but not at work.

I moved into tech through Amazon and then downleveled myself to join Meta in a role focused on product and data to replace Amazon’s bad culture and client service business. I expected this to be my only major career setback. I expected to keep up my upward trajectory and grow into a better spot in a year or two of work. (It’s been close to four without a promotion)

In these first few years, I think I had been quite good at maintaining a balance between my career and my personal life. I may have over-prioritized my personal life if we’re being honest. (I took many mornings off and spent a lot of time lounging. I had a lot of summer Fridays.)

Why did I expect to have fast results without pushing myself? In fact I pushed myself hard to NOT work, hoping that things would come easier for me with time. I ended up unhappy with my own results at work.

This year I’ve increased the intensity and pace of my work and I did so for a long sustained period instead of my typical short sprints. I’ve put in long hours (Ok if we’re honest I moved from short hours to normal hours with some bursts of very late nights) and pushed my own boundaries (I took work meetings during PTO). I’ve tried new approaches and started to allow work to root deep in my psyche, thinking about it almost constantly.

But with this increased pace and improved results I’m still dissatisfied. I feel like there’s another gear within me: I can do better, be more consistent, be more impactful and more. But I fear that this pace is taking something from me as well: I’m more stressed, more irritable, and less creative.

I don’t know if I can keep this up. I don’t know if I want to keep this up. Does it get easier or harder? Is there a pace that doesn’t cost as much? Do I need to build stamina? Do I need to slow down? If I slow down will things fall apart? What is a sustainable pace towards success? Does my pace even matter if I’m heading towards a corporate version of success?

Ways I’ve Become a Better Worker Bee

Some Industry Worries

Gen AI is changing the industry and I need to re-skill. How often is this going to happen? Tech careers are so volatile and I need to plan as if this career won’t last past my mid 40s. I’ve been wondering if data is the right space for me given these changes. Not much to say yet but I have to figure it out.

Beyond that, the compensation structure demands progress and excellence: if I don’t get a good review for 2025, my pay drops by ~25%. If I get promoted, I will likely still have a pay cut of some size. Hoping that this doesn’t happen. It would be even better if I got another job.

Ji and I After Five Years

Patterns and Desirable Conflicts

Ji is an optimist and I’m a pessimist. This year I’ve moved away from trying to find compromises in this inherent friction and instead trying to appreciate it. For example:

When Ji is trying to build a new habit (like going to bed earlier) she starts by defining the best version of the habit (waking up at 5am). Then she tries it out and she ends up happy getting close to the end result. Meanwhile, I end up critical of her plans, scared of the ways that they can fail and trying to plan around those failures.

When I try to build a new habit, I look for the smallest available win (sleep 10 minutes earlier than currently) and try to focus on generating the single guaranteed win and building on it. She finds these attempts too small and a sign of insufficient ambition.

Ji finds ideals inspiring and is not deterred by setbacks. I fall apart when I feel failure, but I plan effectively for obstacles by thinking far ahead. She finds my caution stifling and discouraging. I find her idealism intimidating and unrealistic.

Irritation is the price of connection. And as we go from multi-year frictions into multi-decade frictions, I’m glad that we have pushes and pulls. More than strategies to navigate the conflict, I’m grateful that we can notice the patterns of our low-level programming and understand one another. I am also grateful that my personal bias has a counterweight so that I am wrong less frequently.

The Smallest of Talks

When I was younger I searched desperately for deep intimate conversations with people: knowing people’s secret histories and traumas. Debating about the very core of human nature and the value of existence. I thought that these were the signifiers of real closeness between people. I wanted it.

In marriage I have the privilege to go beyond big talks and into small talk so trivial that I can barely remember it. We talk about fonts, flower colors, how much salt is too much salt, nail hygiene, different types of cookies, bad dreams, different pillows, assorted animals, and that show from that time that we watched with that actor saying that line, what was it again? There’s also so much discussion of logistics. Who are we doing that thing with on what day and what time?

There’s no concealment in marriage. What is more intimate than sharing the trivialities of your day to day life? I’m so happy to be in a place where I can blurt out the small things and know they’re accepted and never judged as too irrelevant. I’m so happy to create a place like that for someone I care about.

I Am Wind and You are Chimes

Dear Ji: As you dance around my ever changing shape, I listen for your music. When you’re shaken by my ups and downs, my lefts and rights, I wonder: will I make you fall? Will the straps holding you finally give? Will you break? I listen to your music and stop wondering. I soften. And hope the sound keeps ringing.

Habit Trends

Growing Community

This year has been really social! I’ve made some new friends at work and outside of work. We’ve hosted a LOT and have been invited into other people’s homes. One thing I really missed from my life in Manila was “tambay” (idling, loitering) with my friends. Luckily, Kikoy moved to NYC this year. It’s just like the good old days but with some adult money and it has made the year special. The mix of old friends and new has brought some richness to our daily life in NYC.

Fitness

I’ve been really poor at my fitness routine this year, much worse than usual. Healing post surgery has made me less motivated. I’ve not found compelling reasons to push hard. But I’m starting to feel the strain in my body from not taking care of my body with exercise. I’m more tired more frequently. I’m out of breath faster. My body has neither the flexibility nor the strength to stay comfortable with itself. At least I’m not in pain though!

Color Analysis

I never learned how to look at myself in the mirror before this year.

Ji organized a Korean color analysis session for us. This is where a professional looks at what colors work well on you and what colors do not. Deep autumn and bright spring were identified as my optimal color palates. I learned two things here: (1) When trying on clothes, you should be looking at yourself in the clothes (look at your facial features and how the clothes affect them!) and not just the clothes themselves and (2) I need to have more courage with colors: Muted colors look worse and bolder shades look better.

Being an awkward and shy person, bold colors scare me because I feel them to be attention drawing. And my own self-consciousness makes it difficult for me to look at myself and so I focus on how clothes fit my body and refuse to look at my face in the mirror. It’s been more fun picking clothes and dressing up as I’ve learned this, and I’m more appreciative of the effort it takes to make yourself presentable.

One Year of Consistent-ish Therapy

I’ve been seeing the same therapist almost weekly for a full year. It’s the longest I’ve stayed with a therapist and the most consistent self care I’ve given to myself. It’s been difficult and here are the things I’ve struggled with in 2025:

Reparenting the Self

Philip Su talks about how his father stopped pressuring him to succeed when it became clear that he would pressure himself and develop his own feelings of failure. As we become independent humans, we need to replace our parents’ function in our own lives: we become our own providers, our own protectors, our own comfort, our own motivators, our own role models, our own teachers, our own nurturers. We learn from the examples provided how to best interact with the world and care for ourselves.

This year in therapy I’ve been gaining empathy for my parents: Parenting is really difficult. There is a gap between intent and effectivity: not everything parents intend is the best approach for a given situation. There is also a gap between interpretation and intent: not everything parents intend to communicate are interpreted by children with accurate meaning. Imperfect people create imperfect people.

You can lead a horse to water but can’t make it drink. Parents can only coax children through force, coercion, or persuasion. But in the end the child has to commit to the action. In trying to force myself to accomplish more things, I understand how frustrating it can be to deal with my own stubbornness.

As an adult, I need to find strategies to parent myself. Quoting T.H. White’s Merlin: Education is experience and experience is self-reliance. And so I need to practice taking on the parental role for myself to become actually self reliant. But I also need to do it, having learned from the past and my own self-dialogue.

Learning the Wrong Lessons

My mother proudly talks about how when I was a kid, she would manage my brother’s and my behavior by saying: the bigger your tantrum, the more I will refuse to give you what you want. I learned at an early age that I need to reign in my emotions and control myself, otherwise I would not only lose access to what I want… But I would also begin a war of attrition with those around me: in particular my mother. I began to develop what the neuropsychology literature calls inhibitory control or response inhibition. It’s an executive function that allows one to postpone impulses and select more appropriate behaviors.

Response inhibition has served me well, and you could imagine that it is the secret to one’s success. I can effectively suppress my emotional state and select a behavior that brings me closer to my goals. This allows me to stay cool under pressure and respond to situations with balance rather than impulse. Almost no one in my life has ever seen me really angry because I have developed this skill.

However, the conflict arises in situations where negative emotions accompany actions that are good for me. As a toy example: when I exercise I get frustrated and tired and ashamed at my weakness. A natural response is to avoid those feelings, and I end up not exercising. This cycle bleeds into many parts of my life.

Because I am skilled at suppressing negative emotions, I never really learned how to deal with these emotions when they are unavoidable or even good. When I can’t inhibit feelings of struggle and frustration, I end up giving up instead. But when I inhibit the experience of my negative emotion, I prevent myself from resolving these emotions directly. So I trap myself in a place where I can only experience either numbness or frustration. Resolution is out of reach if the negative emotions are not addressed.

Some negative emotions are inevitable and even good. As I reparent myself, I need to develop strategies that are more effective at soothing the negative emotions I experience in day to day life, not just avoiding them.

Indecision and the Absence of First Principles

I find defining my preferences exhausting. As a child, I would spend a lot of my time channel surfing and then settling into a tv show that I didn’t really enjoy. These days with tv on demand, I struggle picking a Netflix show to watch and so I default to Tiktok with its unending channel surfing.

In lieu of defining my preferences, I typically have heuristics that allow me to make choices: Do what would make others happiest. Commit to action that has the least effort. Rely on consensus. Literally choose randomly among choices (I heavily use coin flips and random number generators for decisions). These heuristics are helpful to get me to act, but are unhelpful in helping me define actual preference from where I can derive satisfaction.

However, I think at my best and happiest, I do reveal my preferences. When I’m having fun I make creative choices and try to think in unexpected ways (this is my humor at work). When I engage deeply with something I find beautiful or interesting, I ride a long high that gives me energy for days after.

What makes defining my own desires so exhausting and yet fulfilling these desires so satisfying? How can I move beyond heuristics and discover the core principles of my own success and happiness?

Flow States and Healthy Internal Dialogue

I find that the best and happiest times are when I enter some kind of flow state: when I’m joking around with people I love, deeply involved in a work problem, or focusing heavily on a video game. The world recedes and nothing else matters except what I’m doing.

There’s something healthy about this version of my internal dialogue: it feels like the parts of me that manage duty, obligation and shame approve of my choices while a creative impish part of me can focus on having fun.

I don’t know how to make this feeling come about, it just happens. I’ve gotta find a way to bring this about more consistently.

2025 Consumption

I made an effort this year to have a little bit more fun. Read more, watch more theater, listen to more music. I’ve not done as much as I wanted, but I have tried hard to make sure I still look for joy.

Reading

There’s Always This Year: On Basketball and Ascension - Hanif Abdurraqib

I just want to share my favorite excerpt from the book:

Lord, the clouds atop the fields of my life are so thin now, the sky is bare and pummeling all that rests below. Lord, the gray won’t stop coming, and for once, my arms are open to it.

Lord, I have lived long enough to look like my father, though I might fight it. I have lived long enough to cut through the air with my hands, to trim the long hair of the Midwest wind, to make the shape of a bowl when telling a story about something sweet I once held, and can still taste. Lord, release me from whatever might make me wish for the way I looked as a child, which I can hardly remember through this beautiful fog of mortality, this slow march to the kingdom.

[…]

Yes, Lord, I come to you today pleading for all of the aches of age, all of the permanent and immovable damage you have to offer. Yes, there are moments I have spent and will continue to spend in a mirror, massaging products onto my skin and slowly washing them off, if not to delay the very things I am now welcoming, at least to make them as luminous as possible. Do not be fooled by the weapons I refuse to lay down. I come to you today with gratitude in knowing the fight cannot be won. Let the hair turn its drab colors and, perhaps, slowly begin to depart down the drain. Let the pain in the knee linger as a reminder that movement might one day come with a price, if I am lucky enough to make it that long. Yes, Lord, I am thankful today again for every reminder of how I have outlived my worst imagination. I will walk slowly through the garden of all that could have killed me but didn’t.

— Hanif Abdurraqib, There's Always This Year

The Year of Magical Thinking - Joan Didion

Joan Didion and John Dunne were married for more than 40 years before he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack. Joan talks about how she and John had dealt with his angioplasty 15 years before. Joan considered the surgery as a problem solved: now that John had his heart repaired, their lives would return to normal. John viewed the surgery as a prophecy and a start of problems: John believed that he now knew how he would die.

In the end they were both right: Joan got 15 good years with her husband. Great years of travel, success, and joy with their daughter. John was right about knowing he would die from his heart. He spent his last months pushing to have more adventures before they aged too much. They even managed to squeeze in a Paris trip before he died.

This book was great and I connected to it deeply. I thought frequently of my relationship with Ji in its pages. I cried when I read the end of the second chapter, where she talks about shoving away all her friends after confirming her husband’s death:

I see now that my insistence on spending that first night alone was more complicated than it seemed, a primitive instinct. Of course I knew John was dead. Of course I had already delivered the definitive news to his brother and to my brother and to [my son-in-law]. The New York Times knew. The Los Angeles Times knew. Yet I was myself in no way prepared to accept this news as final: there was a level on which I believed that what had happened remained reversible. That was why I needed to be alone.

After that first night I would not be alone for weeks […], but I needed that first night to be alone. I needed to be alone so that he could come back. This was the beginning of my year of magical thinking.

— Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

Theater

Every year I love the theater more and more. Here are a few of my favorites:

Music

A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke: My number one song in 2025. “I was born by the river in a little tent. And just like the river I’ve been running ever since.” Captures my exhaustion but also hope and faith. Change (growth, improvement, fortune) comes with inevitable force. Not because we want it to, but because it must come. The world will bring it.

Cory Wong at the Blue Note: What a generous performer! One of Cory’s friends is a trombone player and he decided to surprise Cory by switching mid-song from trombone to an E flat conch shell. Cory was struggling to keep playing because it was so hilarious and bizarre. He later called it “nature’s trombone”. This is an all time great concert memory.

This is My Song by Labi Siffre: Labi Siffre has had a bit of a re-emergence in 2025, due to popularity in TikTok (Bless the Telephone) and an appearance in the soundtrack to the Holdovers. I think he’s a really great storyteller with a beautiful voice. I imagine being gay and black in the 70s and having the courage to say: “This is my song. And nothing can make it die.”

Gaia Music Collective: Kikoy, Ji and I tagged along with Carlos to attend a one day choir performance of Let It Be. Several dozen non-professional singers gathered together and organized ourselves into a choir to perform one of my all time favorite songs. Unforgettable.

Japanese City Pop + Jazz on the Plane: I like sleeping before take off because I get nervous on planes. I’ve discovered that City Pop and Jazz are great on noise cancelling headphones to help me manage my flight anxiety. Something about the voices are soothing and familiar and somehow let me get to sleep during the flight.

Travel with the Family

Travel is how my family bonded growing up, and this year has been special because of how much family travel there has been.

Possibly the best Bautista trip ever: San Sebastian, Spain. Amazing food and the best hotel we’ve ever had.

The first Pelayo trip with Julian: Vietnam tours with Ji’s Mom and Sister (HCMC + Hanoi). I got to know my in-laws way better and have won trust in a deeper way. Group chats are still alive after the trip!

Roadtrip to the Hamptons: fun to bring board games with the Bautista side and awesome to see a new side of New York. Next time we’ll shoot for summer.

Museums

I tried seeing more museums this year and I think I need to make a better effort of seeing even more. Art is energizing for me and New York has close to 200 museums.

Caspar David Friedrich at the Met

What an amazing feeling to discover a new impressionist artist from the 1800s! His works are epic depictions of nature, it felt like being in a dream where you wander in a cathedral. The colors and movements are haunting. The subjects are compelling. An amazing experience.

NY Historical Society

Fantastic to go around a museum for the first time. There was a nice mix of art and history here, including an exhibit on Tiffany Lamps which I knew nothing about. We also had a nice conversation about black history and the blues. Had no idea that Harlem had such a strong LGBT presence in the 20s and it showed itself in the music and the fashion. Ma Rainey, Mother of the Blues sang “Went out last night with a crowd of my friends. They must’ve been women, ‘cause I don’t like no men.”

A Poem for Deep Thinkers by Rashid Johnson at the Guggenheim

The Guggenheim is such a trip. I don’t think I enjoyed this that much: so much force and urgency and alienation. But it was also very beautiful. A particular favorite piece was “Anxious Audience” a giant mural of black soap on tile, where a crowd of scared black people stare at the viewer. The piece had three missing anxious persons, which you could find while walking around the exhibit.

Archive and Arrive: Horizons '25

In the Rearview Mirror

Five years ago was 2020: Ji and I got together in January and I cancelled my flight to stay with her longer. Taal Volcano blew up and I got stranded in Manila, and our relationship had room to grow. The pandemic hit in March and I ended up flying back to Manila in July and staying the rest of the year to propose. This was a really big year.

I think this year was among the most important life years but the least important of career years. I really really started to phone it in and treat work as an unfortunate chore. All of my thoughts were about how I could be with Ji faster and longer. Even the global pandemic receded into the background and I was very focused on being with Ji. I remember this time with fondness: I was so happy and so focused and it felt like everything in my life was starting to work out.

The View Ahead

2030 seems painfully far away. I’ll be 40 at that point. I wonder if there’s a way to motivate myself without shaming myself. I wonder if I’ll still be in therapy and what I might be talking about there. I have started questioning goals and destinations this year: should we aspire for fixed destinations? What should we aspire for instead?

Instead of what I am or what I’ve accomplished I think about how I’ll be feeling at 40. I hope I don’t feel as anxious. I hope that I can let go of long term thinking and feel like I’m in a constant state of flow: feeling present in each moment and being creative, buoyant and fun. I am still hoping to be a father. Am hoping to be happy and content in my career and my choices, secure in my relationships, and excited about the near future.